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Spark
My mind is filled with thoughts,
then in the moment of writing,
a nothingness catches my heart paralyzing my hands.
I watch the blank page,
waiting for words to flow, to throw out, to describe my world,
what my eyes see around me.
And it feels like I’m fighting a lost battle,
it feels like my dreams dry in the sun,
drop by drop they all flow back into my heart,
and I would like to scream out,
Stop! Come out!
Let me get relief from my demons,
let me feel that I’m good at something!
Let me be able to harshly describe my deepest feelings,
with no pity, with no remorse.
Getting hope from the blue sky,
getting shattered by my family’s refusal.
I want to see hope between the burning flames,
I want to walk under a sky that is my sky, my world, my life, built with my own hands!
I am going insane, hallelujah!
Am I lost out at sea?
I’m floating through life’s pattern,
my hand is ready to be held,
to return the warmth to sender.
I’m ready to get read,
these words will reach nobody’s heart,
but it’s not a good reason to give up.
Deep down, beyond all darkness,
at the end of every little path,
a light shines, a spark of hope that I have to follow still remains,
beyond all sufferings and absurdities,
that little flickering light calls me.
And while I walk this path alone,
I see people stuck in their own prisons,
incapable to smile, to feel something,
to open their hearts.
That’s when I smile,
and I become aware that this is the right direction.
Edinburgh II
As I watch your silhouette fading away through the airport’s door,
I stumble down on my knees,
I play music, I cry like a baby because you’re not here with me anymore,
and probably you never will be.
An Atlantic distance between the two of us,
I know, it would make it a challenge.
As spring explodes in the shadow of the castle,
I sit alone in the sun you’ve seen,
as a dog barks and old souls hope for a better future.
Though spring is here for me it’s still September,
flowers bloom only on Arthur’s Seat.
People and stories go by,
and I can only think of you, of your sweet smile,
of your accent while speaking,
of the way you move when you show me things,
of your irresistible shyness.
Then a crossroad,
the drunk night of feelings,
and you already plan your next trip.
I see the green meadows in the sunshade,
I see us, holding hands, walking peacefully
creating the seed of infinite.
A dream, an illusion,
while life leads us astray,
and I still can recall your voice,
that fragile moment before it disappears in the flow.
And then I plan, I try to figure out what could I do,
to be that special man, to be the privileged,
who could kiss you under the castle’s hill.
Dreamer’s Confession
In the foggy morning I’m here, floating on my existence as I live another useless day.
I look in the mirror and I see a reflection only known to me.
I hear stories of allowed relationships, and for a moment I feel rage.
I feel a fire inside, listening to normal people’s problems.
And then she comes again and we will be silent for long hours, as the Pretenders air on the radio.
“When you’re standing at the crossroads and don’t know which path to choose”
and this music sends a shadow to the sky,
as I get on the train to dream the stars.
I observe the skies falling on shaking wishes, on fragile cracking streams of thoughts.
One week ago the goal was still there, there were still hope.
They want me to say that I love girls,
as a trumpet tweets from digital headphones.
Will something ever change? Will I ever take off?
Then I see the stories, the beautiful stories that I dream to tell,
I’d like to get remembered for a story, for my story,
to have had the strength to rise up. to reach up to the firmament.
Maybe I’m not made for this, I have to get stuck! NO! I don’t want this.
There must be something special ahead of me, there must be something better.
I can’t believe that all I can do is to be here seated writing things that nobody wants to read.
I will take a bow in front of my wishes. Don’t fade away.
Entanglement
I am sitting in this bar alone,
as the sun outside waver to rise.
The cappuccino gets cold,
and an old song plays on the radio.
Fog, rain, and the door opening.
A low-vibe day,
I’m snuggling undercover with a thought,
play.
And the thoughts in my head wreck havoc,
while the world spins slowly around,
People Help the People now,
exploding ground in paradise.
And that boy crying for help,
he has learned to swallow the venom,
to keep anger down,
and to fake a scenery of plastic success.
That boy has learned to smile,
to see beauty in a simple drop of rain.
to feel how cold can be a refusal,
to feel how wrong and perfect can be to love.
And the thoughts in my head wreck havoc,
a speech I can’t get,
you, sat on the sofa, snorting snow,
my love sinking in the ocean,
my knife stabbing your back,
the blood from your heart,
a flowing creek of crooked thistles,
and then liberty.
Two other bodies enter the room,
they speak my mother tongue,
I don’t want to hear my mother tongue anymore,
as the bombs explode on the boot,
and children are killed for the sake of the Unknown
the words in my head wreck havoc.
The Last Grip
A hug from a distance,
a warmness that lasts a minute,
the cold of winter surrounding our naked bodies.
You turn on the other side,
and I follow the strange presence of a body,
a warm human body next to mine.
Your kisses are full of heaven,
but inside I burn of emptiness,
while your smile was everything I wanted to see,
on that cold, dark night.
Just for one little time, just on that moment.
And I promise you that I won’t try it anymore,
I won’t dream of me and you anymore,
I will just turn away from your story.
My destiny is far away,
the long-needed separation is behind the corner,
the challenge.
I’m starving of being good at something,
the accent I can’t understand,
the automatic response of my brain.
A future, from where I will be able to watch that single night,
smile at it, write to you,
and find that same old fragile tension.
The last hopes that hold me here,
thin ropes about to stretch and break,
letting me free to fly in the warmer air of the path,
all dreams funnel on iron wings,
in the sun, in the brilliance I can see under palm trees,
other people, other fears,
and in dreams, I’m sure I will still hold your warm hands,
my last rope,
my last invisible grip.
Fear of Love
Your face smiling from a diagram of lives,
I look at you,
I don’t feel nothing,
useless lust lost in the fog of this week,
Christmas lights flickering in the new twilight.
Time slows down now,
memories that give me nausea,
a face like yours.
Yours.
Y
o
URS. US. U. S. My shield.
Another voice.
Silence.
Beat.
Refusal.
Stay away.
No pleasure.
And I’m afraid of love,
My walls are high around me,
they will defend my bleeding heart.
A touch that hurts,
tears dried as we tore apart,
words written in a chemical madness,
your will to touch me.
Closure. Stay away from me.
Don’t make this shiny armor explode. *
I *
——————————————————— * * * *
Explosion.
And if you want to skim over my soul,
please do that gently,
then lay me down and disappear,
give me the best memory,
I won’t never cry for you,
but I will fly away.
No love lost,
It still feels hard.
And I remember once upon a time,
wasting lovers every night,
bored at heart,
needing tenderness on the surface,
I would have waited for you;
and if you think of me once in a while,
I will keep our dearest memories in my heart.
Düsseldorf
I don’t know what you see,
a frightened child,
a smiling sunflower ready to be caught?
I see the arms I used to love,
and I’m just reading out your words,
wishing to have another chance to be kissed again.
And I just wish a change of season,
looking through maroon falling leaves,
leaving traces on the ground,
leaving paths you can follow.
You told me to be strong,
but all I got is a voice.
Spectators of the turning of the tables,
standing still in the bruising poignant neon bedrooms,
violence all around us,
a gate getting closed by my grandmother,
her voice, her wartime stories,
fear, fascists bursting into her house.
Then I see a whore, in the daylight,
a sad story on her shoulder,
haggling with a young man about her price.
He drives away.
I walk by to avoid the sadness that I feel in my heart.
A dog is barking in the distance.
Then my secret love,
a passion dried out,
the world enclosed in my dark secret place,
how we laughed on that summer day,
how we kissed each other in the sunlight,
the sensation of living something somehow unique.
Then the hustling of the city,
the tower standing out against the blue of the sky,
a silver sphere where I would have liked to go,
curved houses erected on the canal,
a cold, freezing wind is howling,
while the sun sets and I walk away.
The heart troubles in the night,
I remember how much I longed for a sign,
and now I can just wonder who I am,
who we are,
caught in the whistle.
But in the darkness I recognize that something’s missing.
While I wait for a change,
as illusions fade away as the tether between us,
and I grow stronger and well-aware that you weren’t the one for me,
I listen to my father grumbling, crying out his own unhappiness.
His misfortune, the disgrace to have had a gay son,
the tragedy that he lives everyday.
I know that the wounds on my skin are healing,
as I write this lines the murmuring is just a shadow
and all I need is a warm embrace.
All I need are two arms protecting me from the world,
while I dance in my own tears,
and my feet freeze.
A distant world,
a blue sphere dancing in the blackness,
an immortal, unbreakable silence,
the prince and the patrol by my side,
looking for something to revive the magic,
in the valley of forbidden sounds.
The city pulses in its hectic life,
a million stories collide for a moment,
I see people talking,
and I’d like to know everything about them,
I see lips producing words,
and I’d like to kiss them all.
Then I see the lips that I liked to kiss,
then I remember our bodies touching,
how you confessed me your secrets,
then your smiles.
White blinding light,
the warmth I was looking for.
Góðafoss
Drunken and sleepy,
but not tired enough to fall into oblivion.
Waking is the deepest pain, it cuts and hurts,
because I long for your body next to mine.
I hate feeling so alone,
I’d like to have the privilege to love you,
to give you everything I can.
I don’t want to sleep,
I don’t want to live another empty day.
Where’s the adventure? Where’s the wanderlust?
Around the world looking for myself.
What am I?
I am a man, I am gay and I’m stronger than before.
This love cuts, I want to be your life support,
but all I get is silence.
Your smile is a memory now,
a figure walking on the street when I drove away,
knowing that probably that would have been our last kiss.
Give me the chance to kiss you once again.
The sky is dawning,
and I’m loitering. I just think about your smile,
and my mind takes flight.
I wonder, if you think of me sometimes.
Oh I’m such a fool to dream so big after such a small time,
I’m not the best into self-control.
Hug me, kiss me don’t give up on me.
Let our lips meet again, our hands crook into each other,
speak to me.
Will you be the light on my path?
I just lay here waiting for an answer,
in the warm dawn of the new day.
Dazed awakening,
the first thought is you,
defending the purity of the night under this pouring rain,
but all I grab is nothingness, not even a trace.
Maybe I’m just not enough, for you,
Maybe you got scared, by me,
Everything is possible,
but I get nothing at all.
And in a desperate moment of pleasure,
I was crazy enough to think you’d have loved me too.
I cannot smile anymore,
I cannot search for someone else right now,
my senses fail, because all I want to hold and see and speak to, is you.
Foolish love, damned heart.
Why do you crumble down so easily?
I am calm on the surface,
but deep down, I’m screaming.
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAHAHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHHH
CALM ——————
–
——————– SCREAM
AAAAAAAAH!
This pain I’m feeling in my soul, the chance I won’t have with you.
I’m forcing myself to think positive,
to convince myself that you’ll return to me,
that you will contact me once again,
that you won’t forget me.
I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN, I HAVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN,
I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN, I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN,
I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN, I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN
I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN, I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN
I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN, I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN,
I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN, I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN
I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN, I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN
I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN, I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN,
I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN, I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN
I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN, I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN
But in the morning, while I hear the rain falling down, is your quick appearance in my life that I miss the most.
I don’t want this prophecy to come true,
I will keep on repeating those nice words to me,
an hypnotic moaning.
The voice that won’t ever return.
I’m stronger than before. I’m stronger than before.
I will see you again.
And however, independently from what will happen,
I will never forget you,
I will always dream to have you near me,
I will always be waiting for you.
But since this target looks useless, as I cannot control your mind,
all I can do is to breathe, recall the touch of your hands,
enjoy this memory, knowing that it was perfect,
pure and absolute.
I touched perfection and nirvana, with you.
This was real, absolutely real,
and that’s the only truth, the only thing I can rely on.
I will see you again.
Stories
A return to the origin,
the opening of the breach,
a little crack in a huge time armor.
Time won’t set,
time doesn’t change,
time doesn’t heal scars.
I got to this by opening the door,
opening my soul,
feeling a deep storm within.
A cliff made of souls,
waves beating down those black rocks.
I’m trapped into the net,
and I need solid ground, balance.
Your face cheers me on the beach,
a familiar smile,
a voice that I can trust.
A deep inner imbalance melts itself into empathy,
a love never loved,
your face is still clear, after all,
you’re a drawing carved in my skin.
I’m still here remembering the exciting perfume of your skin,
a perfume attached on me.
I was smelling right where you walked by,
waiting impatiently for one, single, little embrace,
observing the littleness of your movements,
figuring out how would have been to get lighted up by such a glimmering shining source of light.
Stories surround me,
I’m surprised by their unattended power,
while I can feel heavy steps breaking the flux up,
a prison that you can watch,
you can watch my words.
Control.
Tears in the darkness of my throat,
tears casted in the deep again,
a feeling that I wanted to cry out,
that I wanted to confess to you, leaning on you.
I was staring in your eyes.
My own self, my own inner father has stopped me.
———————————————————————————————————————————
The wall has raised.
I am looking for something, I am looking for an embrace,
but I’m searching for something else,
I want to go further,
I want your arms,
a fence around my wall,
a chink, a fall
()
()
My silence,
an important difference.
Do you feel like loitering far away?
You feel isolate, on the outer side of the events.
But we are on two different sides,
we distance from each other everyday,
we carry on on faraway patterns, with no connections.
Your hope is a dead end,
tears in the rain,
a closure, the growth of the parasite.
I feel an indescribable littleness,
while I watch this screaming paper,
listening the sirens of the bombs on the other side of the sea,
cut off arms, blood flowing.
In violence’s absurd game,
I feel a distance from humanity,
when I watch its incapacity to accept.
What’s the reason of stepping on each other?
What’s the the point to kill another soul?
Why do we have to live in desperation?
Wars that I don’t understand,
stupid, fool human reality,
imperfect destiny’s mistake,
illogical creatures with no consciousness or morality,
grains of cosmic dust,
crumbs in the never-ending blue of sky,
conquerors of plastic goals.
The city pulsates, cruel in its terrific height,
cold like ice, like a blade on the skin.
A machine-gun. Shots.
Other steps, other interruptions.
I just wish to be a decent man,
I just wish to be accepted.
PUM!
PAM!
PAM!
BOOM!
PAM!
PAM!
POM!
PIM!PUM!PAM!
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