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Spark

My mind is filled with thoughts,

then in the moment of writing,

a nothingness catches my heart paralyzing my hands.

I watch the blank page,

waiting for words to flow, to throw out, to describe my world,

what my eyes see around me.

And it feels like I’m fighting a lost battle,

it feels like my dreams dry in the sun,

drop by drop they all flow back into my heart,

and I would like to scream out,

Stop! Come out!

Let me get relief from my demons,

let me feel that I’m good at something!

Let me be able to harshly describe my deepest feelings,

with no pity, with no remorse.

Getting hope from the blue sky,

getting shattered by my family’s refusal.

I want to see hope between the burning flames,

I want to walk under a sky that is my sky, my world, my life, built with my own hands!

I am going insane, hallelujah!

Am I lost out at sea?

I’m floating through life’s pattern,

my hand is ready to be held,

to return the warmth to sender.

I’m ready to get read,

these words will reach nobody’s heart,

but it’s not a good reason to give up.

Deep down, beyond all darkness,

at the end of every little path,

a light shines, a spark of hope that I have to follow still remains,

beyond all sufferings and absurdities,

that little flickering light calls me.

And while I walk this path alone,

I see people stuck in their own prisons,

incapable to smile, to feel something,

to open their hearts.

That’s when I smile,

and I become aware that this is the right direction.

Day 3

A red ‘E’ hanging on the wall, 

the heat suffocates me. 

My eyes are cascading,

words that are a whirlwind, a mess, an undistinguished murmur. 

How can they speak about that all the time? How can they just talk like this? 

I feel on the outside, I don’t want to be like them.

They don’t want to meet me, 

that smile could be my safety, but I will never be brave enough to open my mouth. 

A red beard. A vanishing face, bloddy lips. 

I don’t want to get out of this safe refuge.

Life’s biting. 

I want to touch their skin, I want to be their head, I want the peace and joy and quietness in their mind. 

The strength of their means, no uncertainties.

Neons, my eyelids are heavy. 

Smile for me, without knowing that I’m watching you, 

your big arms shine as a safe harbor. 

I’m ashamed, wrong, the fag you hate. 

The judgement of the world is smashing my sensations. 

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