While my own skin betrays me,
and words of hate have been said from their mouth,
a shut up mouth, an ignoring mouth, a sealed mouth,
I feel that I exist at last.
They can’t destroy my being with their denial,
they can’t change who I would like to love.
I will wave my flag,
I will stop blaming myself for my mistakes,
and one day, maybe really soon, this boy will be fine.
My mind is filled with thoughts,
then in the moment of writing,
a nothingness catches my heart paralyzing my hands.
I watch the blank page,
waiting for words to flow, to throw out, to describe my world,
what my eyes see around me.
And it feels like I’m fighting a lost battle,
it feels like my dreams dry in the sun,
drop by drop they all flow back into my heart,
and I would like to scream out,
Stop! Come out!
Let me get relief from my demons,
let me feel that I’m good at something!
Let me be able to harshly describe my deepest feelings,
with no pity, with no remorse.
Getting hope from the blue sky,
getting shattered by my family’s refusal.
I want to see hope between the burning flames,
I want to walk under a sky that is my sky, my world, my life, built with my own hands!
I am going insane, hallelujah!
Am I lost out at sea?
I’m floating through life’s pattern,
my hand is ready to be held,
to return the warmth to sender.
I’m ready to get read,
these words will reach nobody’s heart,
but it’s not a good reason to give up.
Deep down, beyond all darkness,
at the end of every little path,
a light shines, a spark of hope that I have to follow still remains,
beyond all sufferings and absurdities,
that little flickering light calls me.
And while I walk this path alone,
I see people stuck in their own prisons,
incapable to smile, to feel something,
to open their hearts.
That’s when I smile,
and I become aware that this is the right direction.
As I watch your silhouette fading away through the airport’s door,
I stumble down on my knees,
I play music, I cry like a baby because you’re not here with me anymore,
and probably you never will be.
An Atlantic distance between the two of us,
I know, it would make it a challenge.
As spring explodes in the shadow of the castle,
I sit alone in the sun you’ve seen,
as a dog barks and old souls hope for a better future.
Though spring is here for me it’s still September,
flowers bloom only on Arthur’s Seat.
People and stories go by,
and I can only think of you, of your sweet smile,
of your accent while speaking,
of the way you move when you show me things,
of your irresistible shyness.
Then a crossroad,
the drunk night of feelings,
and you already plan your next trip.
I see the green meadows in the sunshade,
I see us, holding hands, walking peacefully
creating the seed of infinite.
A dream, an illusion,
while life leads us astray,
and I still can recall your voice,
that fragile moment before it disappears in the flow.
And then I plan, I try to figure out what could I do,
to be that special man, to be the privileged,
who could kiss you under the castle’s hill.
In the foggy morning I’m here, floating on my existence as I live another useless day.
I look in the mirror and I see a reflection only known to me.
I hear stories of allowed relationships, and for a moment I feel rage.
I feel a fire inside, listening to normal people’s problems.
And then she comes again and we will be silent for long hours, as the Pretenders air on the radio.
“When you’re standing at the crossroads and don’t know which path to choose”
and this music sends a shadow to the sky,
as I get on the train to dream the stars.
I observe the skies falling on shaking wishes, on fragile cracking streams of thoughts.
One week ago the goal was still there, there were still hope.
They want me to say that I love girls,
as a trumpet tweets from digital headphones.
Will something ever change? Will I ever take off?
Then I see the stories, the beautiful stories that I dream to tell,
I’d like to get remembered for a story, for my story,
to have had the strength to rise up. to reach up to the firmament.
Maybe I’m not made for this, I have to get stuck! NO! I don’t want this.
There must be something special ahead of me, there must be something better.
I can’t believe that all I can do is to be here seated writing things that nobody wants to read.
I will take a bow in front of my wishes. Don’t fade away.
Drops of pouring rain hitting my forehead,
my sudden comeback,
while fast cars drive by on the fast lane.
A far away friend,
a missed answer,
numbers I don’t remember.
A regret digging in my soul.
Can you hear my call?
This hurt I’m going through,
it’s a glimpse of moonshine through the wet ground.
Snowflakes flying in the twilight,
they’re tapping against my skin,
while a wistful silence reigns
on the white-covered countryside.
The shadows of the night gather in the suburbs,
and I take your side,
I take up the gauntlet,
to find a flickering light through the grimmest darkness.
I won’t bide my time, waiting for the sun to come,
I will shovel in the snow,
till I see the sun rays cutting through,
warming up my weak, pale and thirsty skin.
A life is gone,
a fighter, a light.
Tears get back into my eyes,
a sudden feeling of impatience,
while a subdued world flows by.
People kill the people,
notes on the wall,
a straight existence.
I am proud of who I am.
I will love to love you,
As the trees whisper in my ears
I’m lost in the forest.
I am sure that one day I will find the light,
while he slowly murmurs that he loves me,
I know that you lied.
An organ plays in the background,
I don’t need you.
You expect something I can’t give.
She drinks, she drinks, she drinks,
Clocks are ticking,
our world ruled by time,
your smile high above me.
In the sudden loneliness of the 8th,
your illusions, the dreams that you think they’re broken,
the shame you feel.
I don’t care about it,
as the forest gets brighter you’re just a shadow in the blinding shade,
and you cried your desperation,
I’ve chosen the other path.
I get drunk,
I forget your face,
in the fog, in the light.
A simple request from you,
a smell reaching my nose,
I trust the words I’ve been spoken,
can you give me a glimpse of hope?
Traveling on the rainy road,
in the flashing light of the cars,
staring at the blue of the sky,
that sad gray nuance I get used to.
intense colors hit my sight,
friends and frozen moments.
I can’t believe you’re not by my side anymore,
and I’m broken again.
A guitar chord,
she sings whispering,
a sweet smile on his face,
the hope of being loved by him.
They dance in the night.
They dance in the night.
Such an unusual sight,
a drum phases in,
then silence and her prayer.
A tragedy far beyond you and me.
The water from the sky melts together with our tears,
all I can feel,
is that I’m broken.
Give me a handshake,
can I get used to to my life?
Lose the will to fight?
The one word we use the most is “goodbye”,
trying to be kind,
he smokes too much,
his lungs are black,
I ear his coughs, the phlegm he spits,
a venom in his body.
The words he said to me.
And I was broken.
“I’m ashamed of you”
“What I’ve done?”
“I can’t look at you”
Flowers bloom from the snow,
I can see them push to breathe,
I am yours,
if you don’t question my faith.
I love like a human being,
I want to fell happy like a child,
understand that my life has a meaning.
I’m not broken anymore.
My mind looms over the fog,
like a barrier between me and the world,
a desire of intimacy that still lingers in my heart,
your fingers I once crooked are touching my soul,
and there’s an image you created,
a galilean joke that you appreciate,
while the silence goes on,
even in this sunny autumn day.
A day where I’d like to forget about life,
because I don’t know what I’m looking for.
Whatever it is, I’ve not found it yet.
Should I look for something better?
Should I search among the bluest skies?
An old-time movie plays on the background,
memories of a time not-so-far, not-so-near,
a time when I was just a wish, a desire of a woman,
What were you thinking?
That’s just confusion,
Nonsense becomes sense,
embrace me and never let me go,
fulfill the ocean in my lungs,
make me breathe the purest thin air.
Let me wrap my hands around your neck,
let me kiss your lips once again,
let me go away and live far away from here,
let me gather intentions on a line.
All I want is to smile again,
a change. Am I really good at change?
I’d change everything, but it won’t change nothing.
Alas, I want hope.
Embrace me. Let me breath.
Your presence still lingers around me,
I find myself singing the music we sang when we were together,
I’m still waiting patiently for you to see,
how much I loved you.
So tired of this lonely air,
Watching shadows and people pass by.
Drums played by a broken heart,
a rhythm I’m trying to breathe.
It doesn’t matter if you return to me,
you set me free,
and the love we lived has been so pure,
that I can just say thank you to you.
In my hands shines the gold your skin released,
in my mind the smiles we shared are blinding stars,
When we kissed in the sunset, in water,
When you embraced me so tight I was sure you’d have been mine forever,
when you kissed me goodbye.
You refuse to see this,
so don’t see it anymore,
I’ll keep the fire burning,
waiting for the next step,
remembering your sweet eyes,
crying for them for good.
Still believing to the sentences we shared,
I can’t give up this dream of mine.
I find myself dreaming of you,
while I cut the rope that keeps your boat anchored to my port.
I will greet your shadow sailing to a silver destiny,
I will wave my hand to say goodbye to the hope you were to me.
Please go away fast,
but don’t forget about me.
I won’t forget about you, and what we’ve shared under the two moons.
And all I wish is still to wake up in your arms,
the place where I would have liked to stop.
There inside it’s so warm and cozy.
There, inside your arms, a secret heaven that’s mine no more.
I’ve seen all the colors in your eyes,
the shape of your shadow, blinding in the heat of the summer night.
I will keep this yellow light on for you,
so in case you’ll come back, you’ll find your way home.
Shine, yellow light. Spread what’s left to hope.